I also started a new job this week. I’m a programmer now. At the moment, just mostly learning about the software the company has already created, which means I’m learning way more about programming than I ever knew before. I think I get along with my new mentor pretty well, so good times.

The only snag is that I get paid monthly, so I’m not going to get my first payment for a few more weeks, and I don’t really have any savings at the moment.

I’m realising my blog is very full of personal updates. What happened to the random ranting I wanted to do? I guess I just don’t have something I feel is worth rambling about very often.

I apologise for this. What this blog has become was not the original plan. Then again, did I really plan this at all? Not really. I can’t remember why I actually made this blog.

I would’ve asked her father first.

I would’ve proposed romantically.

I’ve never even been able to get one date, but I already know how I want to propose to the right girl when I find her. I’m the ultimate in hopeless romantics.

Why? Why did it all turn out so wrong? It sucks and I hate being jealous. I hate being alone.

I hate it that it should have been me and it’s not.

I’m lost. I have lost. I feel lost.

There’s nothing more to do. It’s all over now.

“And it feels like I’m nothing more, than a crutch in your hard times, if I’m gonna be yours, won’t you be mine?”

I miss her so much.

When I first met her, I thought that things were finally looking up. That maybe I’d have a chance, that I wouldn’t be alone anymore, and not only that, but I’d be with the most amazing girl in the whole world.

Didn’t happen.

Everyone says that you can’t have this idea of a perfect girl in your head. You can’t look for her, because you’ll never find her and you’ll either just be disappointed, or keep searching and never settle down and get married.

If you have these ideas, you need to settle for someone not quite that.

I call bullshit. I found the perfect woman for me. She’s just engaged to another man now because my circumstances got in the way when she met him.

So now she’s gone, and I do have to settle for less.

I’m interested in this girl that lives next door to us in our apartment building. She’s cute, and we’ve spoken on a few occasions that we’ve run into each other. She is a Christian, and she seems pretty nice, and I think she may have been hitting on me a little bit.

Anyway, I haven’t run into her for a little while now, so I’ve been devising plans to give me excuses to talk to her. More on the plans later.

But while this is all very fun and exciting, because of my physics girl, it feels so hollow and pointless.

And I’ve been crying.

There’s no recovery from this. She’s someone else’s now.

I am so tired of feeling alone and rejected and so dead inside. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel right again. I’m so tired of striving for success and meeting failure. I hate failure. He’s not my friend and he never will be. He’s a jerk. He keeps wanting to take me down a peg.

Well here I am, at the friggin bottom of the pit. You can’t drag me down any further. You’re incapable. Failure is a failure eventually.

I don’t know if I’m making sense. I hate my life. I want love, not rejection. Don’t we all? But I guess that’s where it all goes.

I just wish it would stop.

Which is actually pretty horrible, and probably wrong. I mean I see people around me fall in love and actually be happy while doing it all the time.

But that’s not my experience. That’s how I really feel right there. There’s nothing good at the end of it.

I also feel the need to fight someone still.

This is frustrating. I’m spending time being absorbed in games instead of doing my assignment. It’s destroying me.

I love you. Why couldn’t you be mine?

Why couldn’t any of you?

I honestly have no idea how it got to this point. Circumstances beyond my control. At least it feels that way.

I wish there was something I could’ve done to change this course earlier. I’m not even sure what to do right now.

Love is destroying me.

I live in an apartment building. About 2 weeks ago I met the girl living next door to our apartment. She seems nice.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, she decided to chat with me as I was coming back from putting the trash out. We had left at the same time the night before, I was on my way to a church leadership meeting, so I had my bible with me. Yesterday afternoon, she asked me if that was a bible I had. Turns out she was on her way to a bible study herself.

She’s cute, she seems nice, and she’s a Christian. And I think she might be hitting on me. Not sure though, I’ve mistaken simple, genuine friendliness for that before.

But, it feels like my heart still belongs that other girl I always talk about on here.

What if I go for it, and I end up hurting her because I don’t love her?

Or, what if I grow to love her and it won’t matter anymore?

Maybe, if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t necessarily wrong, it was just a risk I had to take. To see where it could go. Because of the possibility of something better.

I’ll see what I can do.

So we all know about limited edition items. You know, something you buy that’s worth a fair bit of money, but doesn’t really do much. Generally the point is that they have a limited run of printing/sculpting or whatever it is of the item, and then they’ll never make it again, giving it value in it’s rareness, not it’s usefulness, or even the value of the materials used to make it.

Some of this is fun. I’ve been guilty of purchasing the collector’s edition of a game every now and then (as long as it’s got some decent bonuses that is, like concept art and the like).

But I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon recently. Limited edition consumable items.

So far, I’ve seen Cottee’s make Limited Edition ice cream toppings, Cadbury’s has released a Limited Edition chocolate bar, and my housemate has purchased some Limited Edition laundry liquid that has something to do with Twilight.

Twilight, ugh. I’d gripe, but I’m sure you’ve seen half the internet clogged with Twilight griping.

So what is up with this? Is the packaging somehow worth more when they don’t make it anymore? Would it be a decent investment to buy large amounts of the ones that taste good, then sell them on ebay for large profit? Is the company in question actually trying to get a feel for the market, and find out which flavours are successful, and then they’ll sell the good ones without the “Limited Edition” on the label?

We need answers.